FROM THE SORBET COLLEGE OF LIFE, WE POSE SEVEN KEY QUESTIONS TO FIND OUT
YOU’RE ON A CITY BREAK. AFTER A NIGHT OUT, YOU ARRIVE BACK TO YOUR HOTEL ROOM. DO YOU:
A) Sink into a warm bath with bubbles, apply an organic sea kelp facial sheet mask and take a pumice stone to your toes
B) Check in on your loved ones, pack your luggage, tidy the room and leave a generous tip for the chambermaid
C) Call room service, order fresh fruit and watch Cowspiracy on pay-per-view
D) Put on loud music, raid the minibar, trash the room, and throw the TV out of the window
YOU HEAD HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS WITH YOUR PARENTS, YOUR SIBLINGS, AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS. DO YOU:
A) Show up in stilettos and vintage Yves Saint Laurent with a full face of make-up and gift spa treatments to everyone
B) Help out in the kitchen, keep the peace and gift everyone considered and thoughtful self-help books
C) Announce over your mum’s roast turkey that you’ve gone vegan, and gift your family a charitable donation made to PETA on their behalf
D) Turn up with your latest in a very long string of love interests, over indulge, and give everyone a flashy sports car
THE YEAR IS 3019, THE POLAR ICE CAPS HAVE MELTED, AND THE WORLD’S MAJOR CITIES ARE UNDER WATER. DO YOU:
A) Send thoughts and prayers to those less fortunate as you’re whisked away to a mountain retreat by your billionaire lover
B) Work tirelessly to help run a pop-up shelter, offering displaced ex-city dwellers blankets and chicken broth
C) Sit smugly in your self-sufficient bunker, not wanting to tell everyone that you told them so (but you told them so)
D) Get on the phone to every rockstar you know and throw the most epic benefit concert ever à la Bob Geldof, (but bigger)
IT’S DOUBLE-FEATURE MOVIE NIGHT AT THE LOCAL MULTIPLEX. DO YOU:
A) Order sparkling water and a box of Maltesers from the kiosk and settle in for a rom-com sesh
B) Order salted popcorn, take a seat at the front of the theater, and indulge in rags-to-riches films – Slumdog Millionaire and Aladdin
C) Bring your own thermos of decaf coffee, and watch David Attenborough’s 1950s series, Zoo Quest, shown for the first time ever in color
D) Order a big-gulp full-fat Coca-Cola, nachos with extra everything, and a super-size bag of peanut M&Ms, and sit right in the middle of the theater swearing and cheering at the screen
A SPACESHIP ARRIVES ON EARTH AND YOU’RE ABDUCTED, BUT THE ALIENS WILL LET YOU TAKE THREE THINGS. DO YOU TAKE:
A) Your lip gloss, your chihuahua, and your Jane Fonda ‘Original Workout’ VHS
B) The Complete Works of Shakespeare, photos of your loved ones, and a good pair of shoes
C) Your yoga mat, a packet of tomato seeds, and a SCOBY culture to make your own kombucha
D) Your electric guitar, a pouch of tobacco, and a case of Jim Beam whisky
ON A SATURDAY AFTERNOON IN THE CAVE OF WONDERS, YOU ACCIDENTALLY RUB A LAMP AND SUMMON A GENIE. DO YOU:
A) Wish for eternal youth but with none of the typical fairytale strings attached… oh, and also world peace
B) Also wish for world peace, plus an end to world poverty, and use your last wish to set the genie free
C) Wish for a revival of all the flora and fauna that’s become extinct, and also a solution to global warming (see: question 3)
D) Realize the genie’s just an acid flashback and practise your therapist’s breathing techniques
RESULTS
If you answered mostly A: Aesthetic Legacy
In a pantheon with other gods and goddesses among men, you are straight up drop-dead gorgeous. Men and women have written odes, poems and power ballads in your honor. Rulers have razed cities and conquered countries to win your hearts, while you leave broken ones in your wake wherever you go. Your forebears are as ancient as the hills (only the most beautiful hills, of course), like Aphrodite or Helen of Troy from Ancient mythology. Your face has launched all of the ships, and your hips never, ever lie. Those who’ve shared in this genetic secret sauce include the likes of Bridget Bardot, Marilyn Monroe, and Katherine Hepburn, and other more recent icons like Angelina Jolie, Halle Berry, or Charlize Theron, who have made men by the millions slack-jawed with their most fabulous of assets. Not only are you flawless, but so are your diamonds. #youwokeuplikethis.
If you answered mostly B: Unsung Legacy
Philosophers like Aristotle and Plato debated the concept at Ancient Greek forums and among psychologists debate has always raged – is there such a thing as true altruism? Well you, kind friend, are the resounding answer – yes. Altruistic levels can be best measured by your benchmark. You don’t shout or even talk about the contributions you’ve made to society and the world. You’re a giver and you ask for nothing in return, not even acknowledgement. When pop star George Michael died in 2016, a slew of other celebrities and nonprofit organizations tweeted about the unrevealed donations the singer made to causes close to his heart. You are George Michael. And while billionaires like Bill Gates and Warren Buffett are so dizzyingly rich they can’t keep the millions they give to charity a secret, they don’t actively seek fame or admiration for it. You’re them too.
If you answered mostly C: Activistic Legacy
You are a true champion of our most vital Mother Earth. When you’re not brewing your own kombucha or baking homemade granola, you are fighting for causes in a fierce and impassioned battle to protect our planet and to protect humanity. When protesters climb up into the branches of wizened old Oak trees, slated for removal to make way for more roads, you are tree-sitting at the top. When we the people take to the streets chanting demands for real change, you are manning the megaphone. When big business threaten people and ecosystems to make way for palm tree plantations and the like, you fight. You’re cut from the same cloth as other Earth Warriors like Al Gore, Dian Fossey, and Jane Goodall. When Julia Roberts immortalized Erin Brockovich in the 2000 film by the same name, she won the Academy Award for best actress in a film. That’s you, that is.
If you answered mostly D: Rock’n’Roll Legacy
Your gigs filled with thousands of screaming and fainting fans sell out in seconds, and the infamous rumors of your groupies and debauched after-parties are the stuff legends are made of. You wear face paint, glitter, and sequins above judgement, and book offers for your memoirs are perpetual. You’ve lived in hotels until you’ve trashed them one too many times. Your high-profile romances with supermodels and A-list actresses fuel tabloid frenzy, and the paparazzi always seem to be perfectly positioned to capture your most indiscreet misadventures. You’ve also been known to capture those misadventures yourself, and at least one sex tape is doing the rounds. But despite all the attempts by the press to take you down, your fans love you all the more for it – you define fast living and the legacy of your music and your rockstar lifestyle will influence the cool kids forever.
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